I'm going to be trying to explain something that's tough to explain, so I'll warn you that it may sound a little like I've taken some "shrooms". I would like to take this opportunity to promise you that I have not.
But FULL DISCLAIMER - I'm in a weird mood this morning. :)
K, so, I've mentioned in former posts about my "body awareness"; meaning that I have a continuous awareness of my body. Which may seem a little obvious. You may be thinking, "Aren't we all AWARE of our bodies?" And you would be right. I mean, it's not like you're going to be SURPRISED when you look down and see your arm.
("Ahh!! My God! What IS this appendage hanging from my body?!")
I guess it would be more accurate to say that I have a continuous awareness of my body's faults. Or it's perceived faults.
There is really almost no time in my life that I am not shifting around or readjusting my clothing in an effort to cover up. Or disguise myself. Or just HIDE. Like if I'm stealthy enough you might think I'm a size 2.
("Oh my Gosh! You're fat! When you were all covered up there, I totally didn't realize. Thought you looked a little underfed, actually. But your shirt is riding up a little there and now I can clearly see that you're a fatty.")
I'm aware of how stupid and illogical this covering up thing is.
When I see women get on the bus in a full-length burka, with only their lovely faces showing, I usually think,
"Wow that must get pretty warm." Followed quickly by, "Wish I could wear one."
To clarify, I guess I'm actually talking about a "chador" not a "burka".
This:
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Not This:
So, in other words, I mean a pretty, decorative, body covering intended to preserve modesty; and not a horrible cage meant to keep women trapped and silent.
But I am digressing big time. My point to this lesson in middle eastern clothing is simply to say that I want to hide my body. And my reasons don't come from seeking modesty or from cultural norms. I simply hate my body and want it covered; as much as is humanly possible.
Even at home with the people I love most in the world, the people who love me most in the world and would never judge me based on how much I managed to cover up my fat; even there I won't go sleeveless because I'm so aware of my big upper arms. I hate them. My stomach and my arms are the two parts of my body that I am always most conscious of and most obsessed with keeping covered.
Which is why wearing a bathing suit always feels like I'm suiting up for battle! It is never a good feeling and only my incredible love for the water makes it possible. Well, that and the fact that my bathing suit has a long draping part that falls over my stomach like an empire waist dress.
Couldn't we bring these back into fashion? Huh? Huh? Any takers?
No? Fine. Continuing on...
When I see people of varying sizes wearing shirts that end at their waists, I think how exposed and AWFUL I would feel if I wore something like that. I ALWAYS have to be wearing some kind of draping fabric over my stomach. I honestly think it would be almost as bad as being naked. I would feel just as stared at and just as uncovered.
Sometimes I look at slim people (as a writer I am a people watcher by nature!) and think how amazing it must feel not to have this continuous THING taking up so much room in their subconscious mind. Imagine how much more I could accomplish if there wasn't a giant chunk of my brain concerned with covering my body and hiding its faults.
If only there was a way of consciously turning off our subconscious mind without becoming completely conscious of what were previously, our subconscious thoughts.
Yeah. See why I put in the "mushrooms disclaimer"!
This obsession with my body's faults really concerns me. Because it makes me wonder whether it would go away if I lost weight. Or will it stick around? Can I ever be satisfied with the way my body looks? Will losing weight change the way the mirror reflects myself back to me?
Or is that something that has to come first?
Probably. But until I can get there, I know I'll continue my "fat-hiding" magic act.
The Great and Powerful, "Skinny-Girl" will now transform before your very eyes into, "The Fat Lady Freak Show!"
You will be amazed!!
Told you I was in a weird mood this morning!
Happy Humpday!
LOL you must be in a weird mood today! Anyway, I just wanted to say that, insanely, some skinny girls feel exactly the same way. I had a friend in high school who was my height and weighed 104 pounds, so, really really skinny. But she always had a vanishing act going, wearing all black, long pants, hiding behind her bangs. So, I think it's a body image thing that can happen no matter what size you are. I used to do it too when I was a size 12 in junior high (not fat, I know, but it looks like a lot more on a junior high girl).
ReplyDeleteLOL! VERY weird! :)
DeleteYeah, I think you're right. I think it has a lot more to do with our "perception" of ourselves than our actual body type. I think sometimes people just wanna hide themselves, or fade into the background. There are TONS of reasons that people can feel that way. Which is sad.
I know, sizes and body types fluctuate so much during our adolescence. I wish I could make all pre-teens and teenage girls (and boys!) know that if they just stay HEALTHY; eat well and exercise in whatever ways they enjoy, they will be fine. Their bodies will grow and change, and as long as they keep everything in moderation, they will be just fine. And if only I could make them REALLY understand that all the images they're bombarded with are truly crap. I think if we could make them understand this on a deep, concrete level, it would take care of a LOT of teens problems.
Oh, definitely, it would make a big difference if teens understood that the body they have will keep changing erratically, and that's okay. I think the most poisonous part of it is teen celebrity culture and media, which never actually shows that side of things.
DeleteI'm SO with you. When kids buy into that crap it definitely poisons them. :(
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