I'm laying here at 5:30 in the morning and the pain is radiating across my back and down my leg. Tears of pain and frustration make it almost impossible to see my phone as I'm typing this; laying on my side in bed. My spell check hates this almost as much as I do.
What I wouldn't give to go back to last summer. I would tell myself to enjoy the feeling of walking without pain; without being stooped and pathetic looking. To enjoy that fantastic, slightly burning sensation that comes from working your muscles.
I would tell myself that when Beth asks to tussle and play - DO IT!!! You'll miss it. A lot. Pull her up on your lap every chance you get because in a year's time you're going to have to tell her constantly, "Don't lean on me!" Cause her little 40 pound body will be too much weight for you to bear.
I would tell myself to enjoy my one and only ride on a bike I'm now going to sell. I bought it last summer thinking it was just the beginning. That I was going to get better at riding it and that Beth and I would soon both be pros at riding. I had visions of us getting so great we could travel around that way. A mother-daughter bike riding duo. Who needs a driver's license. This would be our ticket to freedom.
But no. Instead, I am here. Trapped by my body. My stupid, useless, revenge-filled body. I didn't pay it enough attention, took it too much for granted, and now it hates me as much as I have always hated it.
I know I am rambling and sound vaguely insane. I'm sorry. This week has been terrible and I'm afraid I haven't been very inspirational or helpful to all of you who are reading. I'm sorry. All I can be is truthful.
So, I'll tell you truthfully that you need to get out TODAY and enjoy your body. Move it in all the ways it can move!
I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up to something brighter.
As the saying goes: Hindsight is always 20/20.
ReplyDeleteBlaming yourself for something you didn't know would happen won't make anything better, as I'm sure you know. I know sometimes we need those pity party days, believe me I've had my share of them, but in those dark moments we need to try to see the positive. Look at what you're doing now! You want to be healthy and you're doing so well adapting to the pain your body has right now. I sincerely believe that you can do whatever you put your mind to, even if it seems impossible. I know money can be an issue and certainly the pain, but all you can do is try your best with what you've got. Sometimes it feels like everything is out of control, and for me when that happens I try to focus on small things. When I was in a deep depression my only goal for the day was to get out of bed, if only for half an hour.
Now here is my pep talk:
You are a wonderful woman, friend, sister, daughter, and mother. You make your darling daughter smile and giggle like no one else and I know Beth, the wonderful and intelligent little girl you have raised, loves you and idolizes you no matter what. You started this blog to help yourself and others, to show you and them that yeah, there are bad days, but there are a lot of good days too. You are realistic about weight issues and that is not something a lot of people can say. Most of us stay hidden under our oversized clothing but you are taking a step and telling us "HEY YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!"
And guess what, Linda, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Inside and out.
I hope some better days come your way sweetie.
-Chelsea
I know I replied on Facebook already, but I had to say thanks again for this. I may print it off and post it on my bedroom mirror. You are just amazing! :)
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