Blech...

I'm in a mood today. I woke up extra sore. There are about a million things I want to get done and right now everything takes way too many pain-ridden steps. 

I hate this. 

I had a very different blog post planned for today, but then I thought; no. This stuff is important too, I think. I don't want to lie to you guys. 

I do that. I smile and say that everything is fine. It isn't fine. 

I hate this. 

I have no money, I can't buy good groceries after all. I'll have to try again next month. This month will mean scrimping and stretching as always. 

My Dad helps me SO much. But. He is a 67 year old man. How much longer can I keep making this incredibly hard-working man work two jobs to help support me. 

All of you are supporting me too. This welfare case. I'm sorry. 

I know that I am being maudlin and whiny. I keep erasing what I'm writing and putting in happy, hopeful things. But the words sound flat and FAKE in my ears when I read them back. 

This day. It's so beautiful outside. I want to take my daughter to the park. I wanna fly a kite with her. Can't afford a kite. Can't walk around to fly it. 

I wanna plant a balcony garden. Can't afford plants or planters. Can't bend over to plant them. 

I'm just mad. And sad. And bitchy. And whiny. And pathetic. I really hate feeling like this. But I can't seem to shake it. 

I have so far to go. As I once told a friend, that light at the end of the tunnel is nothing but a speck of dust. 

I have eaten terribly today. I have no idea where my points are.

I want to cry and haven't. 

I may not post this.