Choking on my own words.

Sometimes it's very hard to take your own advice.

On this blog, numerous times, I've talked about what to do when things don't work out the way you want. For Pete's sake, I wrote an entire post about techniques to try when you're having a hard time staying on track. I'm having a day like that. Well, this is actually day 2. 

And it's because I'm disappointed. Stupidly disappointed. 

See, over the last week, up until yesterday, my back has been feeling really good. 

I told everyone, "Yeah, I think the increase in the dosage of my gabapentin that's making the difference."  

But secretly I was thinking, "Oh my gosh! Maybe it's working already. Maybe my back is getting better since I've been trying to live healthier."

That was not the reason. 

Yesterday morning, I accidentally took only half my dose of gabapentin and suffered for it for the rest of the day.  Then I took the right dosage in the evening and this morning and now I'm feeling much better.

So now I'm disappointed. Stupidly disappointed.

I'm BETTER!  I should be very happy. And I am. Of course. I'm so glad that I've found a way to deal with the worst of the pain. 

But. 

I don't want to be on pain meds forever. I want to stand with a straight, strong body and without the assistance of any drugs. The goal isn't to stand, stooped over, for the 5 seconds I can manage before the position kills me - BUT with slightly less pain. 

I know. The logical, practical, Linda is telling me in an exasperated voice, "Be patient, you idiot. Do you honestly think that it was that 1 1/2 pounds that you lost that was causing all your back problems?"

No, stupid Logical Linda, of course I know that isn't the case. 

But I really wanted it to be. 

I know that it took me years to get to my present weight and that it's likely to take a couple of years to fix things. But can't I wave a magic wand? 

I know I have to be patient and just keep working. Like I said though, sometimes it's really hard to take your own advice. 

I was going to play the "Way to Go/No! No! No!" game, since its Saturday. But one of my suggestions for dealing with hard days was to journal what you're feeling. 

So, here I am. And writing things out has made me feel a little better. I will work hard on remembering that I have to take things one step at a time. 

Until - finally! - I can take my steps WITHOUT  a walker.