A Remembrance

Today my mom would have been 70.  But we lost her at the age of 49.  It's been 20 years.  That seems IMPOSSIBLE.  

She died of complications from diabetes and a blood infection.  It's a little complicated.  Basically, her body was wracked with Rheumatoid Arthritis and uncontrolled diabetes for a very long time and it could no longer repair itself.

I'm terrified of dying young and leaving my daughter alone.

The age of 49 looms in my head like some kind of "end date".  I know this is ridiculous.  I can't stop it.  

I'm doing what I can to keep control of my diabetes.  I take the medicine my doctor thinks is best in order to keep my sugars where they're supposed to be.  I get regular blood tests to make sure my "long term" sugars are where they are supposed to be.

This doesn't stop me from subconsciously "preparing things" for Beth in case she never gets to know me as an adult.  I'm writing letters to her; letters I've been writing since I was pregnant with her.  I think they will be a lovely gift to her on her 18th birthday.  Or a kind of consolation after I am gone.

I hate these kinds of thoughts.  I am a big believer in the idea that the things you focus on in your life are the things that come to you.  So, if I spend all this time thinking about dying by the age of 49...well, it's just NOT a good thing to dwell on.

So, here I am, at the age of 34, trying very hard to extend my life.  The only way I know of doing that is to be as healthy as I can be.  So, I'm trying to get to a healthy weight; make healthy food choices; exercise as much as I am able.

I am trying to not only live a long life, but to live a good one.  One of my biggest dreams is to live well into my 90's or even reach 100.  Because:

I want to see my daughter graduate high school.

I want to see my daughter graduate University.

I want to see my daughter achieve her dreams.

I want to meet my grandchildren.

I want to meet my soul mate.

I want to meet the world.

I have a million hopes and wishes left to fulfill in my life.  So, I'm going to try my very hardest to forget the fact that my mom died at the age of 49 and instead focus on how fully she lived her life.  

Amidst her pain and illness, she managed to laugh A LOT; and love COMPLETELY; and make changes in the lives of other disabled people.  She married an incredible man and had two loving children.  Her boisterous and infectious spirit impacted many, many lives.

She left an incredible legacy.  And sometimes, I can see her soul sparkle just behind my daughter's eyes.  Proof, that when we are loved, we never REALLY leave this world.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  I love you.  I miss you.  I remember you.